When someone is dying, death is often not talked about because of a fear of upset. The dying person doesn’t want to upset their close ones and vice versa. Research has shown that talking about death reduces the fear of it. It stops it from being an ‘elephant in the room’. Many people are left with a sense of anxiety and isolation, alone with their thoughts and fears. What can you do to help make the conversation comfortable?Put yourself in their placeIf you were very elderly, you would inevitably think about death. It could be a huge relief to have the subject out in the open. If you could talk about it, you could make plans, put your affairs in order and ease your anxieties.Respond to openingsSometimes the dying throw out ‘tester questions’ about dying. They want to see what response they get. These hints that often get shut down can be things like “I don’t think I’ve got much longer . . .” or “When I’m gone . . .” or “At my funeral I’d like . . . “. The response is often something like “Oh you’ve got ages to go yet – you don’t need to think about that”. Instead you could ask “What are your thoughts about dying?” or “So you are worrying / thinking about dying – that sounds hard – what are you thinking?”. Be brave and give them a chance to say more. If you are empathic and go along with them, it’s likely to go well. You don’t need to solve anything, but just reflect back what you are hearing.Start gentle conversationsYou can begin a conversation gently and if they don’t want it they will tell you or change the subject. You could say something like “How are you doing – is there anything worrying you about getting old?”. “What do you think happens after we die?” Or something personal – “I went to a funeral last week and they played Frank Sinatra instead of having a hymn. It made me think about the music I’d like. What music would you like played at your funeral?” And then develop a conversation from there.Or ask them to talk about their life. That can naturally flow into how they would like to be remembered and what they think will happen after they die.Have some means of providing comfortWhen we engage in conversations about death we may also be able to provide comfort. I know one hospice worker who took frightened people through a guided meditation. They imagined themselves at peace in a beautiful place and drifting off to sleep. She assured them that is what death will be like.Many people think about meeting up with those who have gone before and that can also be a comforting thought.I love the words of poet Mary Oliver “Maybe death isn’t darkness after all, but so much light wrapping itself around us, soft as feathers, till we are weary of looking and looking. . . . .”Giving care staff supportCare staff may need support to be more comfortable with ‘dying conversations’. It is a skill that can be developed. A round table discussion, trying out some ways of starting or continuing conversations, talking about their own thoughts, could all help them to feel more confident and resourced. The Dying Matters Coalition has a good range of resources, leaflets, videos to help with this. We can also provide training and guidance.Changes in the way we view dying and death impacts on the experience of people who are dying and bereaved. When we are open to dying conversations, we can relieve anxieties.https://www.hospiceuk.org/our-campaigns/dying-matters