When someone we know is grieving, it is natural to feel unsure about what to say or do. We may worry about saying the wrong thing, bringing up painful memories or somehow making things worse.
The truth is that there is no perfect thing to say.
What matters most is acknowledging what has happened, showing that you care and being willing to stay alongside someone while they grieve.
As Cruse Bereavement Support puts it, people are often more hurt by silence than by someone who makes an imperfect attempt to be in touch.
What should I say?
Keep it simple and sincere.
You might say, 'I’m so sorry to hear about your mum.'
Or, 'I’ve been thinking about you lots, how are you today?' This gives a person a chance to say as much or little as they like about the here and now. They might respond with urgent concerns that you can support further: 'I'm worried about getting to the Registry Office tomorrow / I'm too tired to walk the dog'.
If you knew the person who died, sharing a memory can be particularly meaningful. Or, simply: 'He was such a lovely person. I’ll always remember how kind he was'.
If you did not know them, you can ask about them: 'What were they like?' or 'Tell me about her.'
Listening is often more helpful than finding the right response. Someone who is grieving may want to tell the story of what happened, talk about the person who died, or repeat the same memories several times. They may also not want to talk at all. Both are completely normal. The important thing is to take your lead from them rather than trying to steer the conversation towards feeling better.
And if you genuinely cannot think of anything to say, saying that is fine too. “I’m not sure what to say” followed by “I’m so sorry” is much better than avoiding someone altogether.
What should I avoid saying?
It's usually best not to try to explain the loss, find a positive side to it or predict how the person will feel in the future.
Try to avoid phrases such as:
- Everything happens for a reason
- At least they had a long life
- They’re in a better place now
- Time heals
- You need to stay strong
- I know exactly how you feel (You really don't!)
- You’ll feel better soon
These phrases are generally intended to comfort, but they can unintentionally suggest that someone should be looking for a positive outcome or moving through their grief in a particular way. Grief is different for everyone, and there is no timetable for it.
It is also wise not to assume how someone feels. Even if you yourself have been bereaved, don't assume that your own experience is similar to someone else's. They may be devastated, angry, numb, frightened, very relieved or experiencing several of these emotions at once. They may feel differently from one day to the next.
Instead of saying, “It must be a relief now,” you could simply say, “How are you feeling today?” And instead of asking for details about the death, you can leave the door open: “If you ever want to talk about what happened, I’m here.”
Should I attend the funeral?
If you have been invited, attending the funeral is usually a good way of showing your support.
You don't need to be one of the bereaved person's closest friends or relatives. Your presence can simply say, “I cared about them, and I care about you.” Funerals can provide an important opportunity for people to gather, remember the person who died and acknowledge the significance of the loss. The Good Funeral Guide also emphasises that there is no single right way to have a funeral, so traditions and expectations can vary.
If the funeral is explicitly private, respect that. And if you cannot attend, you can still acknowledge the occasion by sending a card or message, making a phone call or finding another way to show your support.
Don’t worry too much about getting the etiquette right. You do not need to know exactly what to say to the family, where to stand or how much emotion you are expected to show. Being there is enough.
What can I actually do to help?
Practical help can be enormously valuable, particularly in the first few days and weeks. Grief can make even ordinary decisions and household tasks feel exhausting. Rather than saying:
“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
Try offering something specific:
- “I’m going to the supermarket tomorrow. What can I pick up for you?”
- “I can collect the children from school on Thursday.”
- “I’ve made some dinner. I’ll drop it round this evening.”
- “Would it help if I came over and helped with some of the paperwork?”
- “I’m free on Saturday. Can I come and help in the garden?”
Specific offers are easier to accept because the person does not have to work out what they need and then find the energy to ask for it. Just make sure you offer things you can genuinely do. Keeping a promise matters, particularly when someone is feeling vulnerable.
There is also value in ordinary company and normality. A walk, a cup of tea, sitting together quietly or watching something familiar can all be helpful. Sending a photo or video of something that made you think of your friend can also be supportive. You do not have to turn every interaction into a conversation about grief.
Don't disappear after the funeral
One of the kindest things you can do is continue to remember the person after the immediate period of mourning has passed.
In the days before a funeral, there may be many messages, visitors and practical arrangements. Afterwards, those can suddenly stop. For the person who is grieving, however, the loss has not stopped. Marie Curie and Cruse both highlight the importance of continuing to check in after the funeral.
A message does not need to demand a response:
'I was thinking about you today.'
'I saw this painting / beautiful view / we had the spiciest curry for dinner and thought of your dad.'
'I know today might be difficult. No need to reply.'
Remembering birthdays, anniversaries and other significant dates can also mean a great deal.
What if I get it wrong?
You might say something awkward. You might misjudge whether someone wants company. You might offer help that is not actually helpful. You might say something intended to comfort that lands badly. This does not make you a bad friend, it makes you human!
If you think you have got it wrong, you can simply acknowledge it: “I’m sorry. I think I said that badly. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Then listen.
Cruse specifically advises that if you have upset someone, an apology and an attempt to understand their feelings can help. It also recognises that sometimes you may simply have to sit with the fact that an interaction was uncomfortable.
The fear of getting it wrong should not stop you from getting in touch. Silence can feel much lonelier than an imperfect expression of care.
A little kindness goes a long way
You cannot take away someone's grief. You cannot find the words that make everything all right. But you can make sure they do not have to carry it entirely alone.
Say their loved one's name. Listen when they want to talk. Sit quietly when they do not. Offer something practical. Keep checking in. Remember that grief does not follow a schedule.
And if you stumble over your words, it's ok - you're also human.
You don't have to be an expert in grief, you just have to be willing to be there.
Further support
For more information and support, Cruse Bereavement Support offers guidance for people who are grieving and those supporting them.
Marie Curie provides information about grief, bereavement and supporting someone who has been bereaved.
The Good Funeral Guide provides independent information about funerals and choices around saying goodbye.
Tommy's provides specialist information and support for people affected by pregnancy and baby loss.
